What about Mr Stupid?

If you’ve had the desperate misfortune to switch on the telly in Italy any late evening over the last 15 years or so, you may have come across one of those never-ending, sensationalist but fundamentally inconclusive political discussion programmes where people bang on about various stuff, constantly interrupt each other, shout down their opponents in true Italian style while the presenter (often a creepy looking Dracula impersonator) tries but fails to maintain a semblance of order. Once the cameras are off though, all these politicos, after faking passionate dislike on ideological grounds, probably slide off together, back-slaps all round, to some swanky restaurant in a murky Roman backstreet to slurp champagne and wolf down oysters and laugh about what gullible fools Italians are. Much ado about nowt. That’s the key, talk but DO nothing. During these programmes, they usually discuss the same things: the need to encourage foreign investment for job creation, the need for a lower tax burden for businesses, the benefits of meritocracy if only someone had the nous to introduce it, conflicts of interest that destroy the democratic process and blah blah blah blah blah. I stopped tuning in years ago for fear of going green with rage. From the oputside, it all seems fairly simple. 20 or so points to revolutionise Italy that even a teenager could come up with and probably implement. Presnt yourselves at the elections and how is it possible that you wouldn’t be swept into power on a wave of optimism and a desire to change this country? So why doesn’t it happen? Why do we go round and round in circles, why do they huff and puff and then pop off to dinner with grins and gins all round? Why don’t Italians take to the streets demanding such and such? Why doesn’t Italy get rid of the various mafias, why doesn’t Italy reduce the tax burden, why doesn’t Italy simplify red tape, why doesn’t Italy eliminate nepotism and give the most important jobs to the best people? And blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. I’ll tell you why. What happens to Mr Stupid? Yep, you heard me right. Mr Stupid deserves a chance too, after all he’s in the majority here, and everywhere else. He may be as thick as two planks but he too wants a successful career as the head of a bank or the boss of the railways. He (and you can bet your bottom dollar it’s a he) too wants a swanky car, a gorgeous mantlepiece wife, a flash motor - why should the clever people rule the land? What have they got that Mr Stupid & Friends haven’t? Ignore that, silly question. The silent majority that isn’t rules the land here in the Bel Paese and it seems to me to be a fairly natural state of affairs. Looking after your own and covering your own back are after all very instinctive. Imagine the son of Mr Stupid at any point over the last 50 years. His dad’s a notary and gets paid serious amounts of cash for doing frankly fuck all. He’s ageing like fine wine. He got the job because of his network of Stupid Friends. They look out for each other. They may not be smart but by God they stick together. He looks up at his dad and thinks, “Dad’s got a boat, a house in the country, we have a maid, Mum has beautiful clothes - I want that too papà, I want that too papà!” “Don’t worry, figliolo, Italy is your oyster, whatever you want, you can scoff it down.” “But, papà, they tell me I’m as dim as a badly-lit Roman street at night, as thick as an Italian bank statement that thuds on the doormat, as dense as the Italian legal system, as witless as a Christmas film by De Sica.” “Don’t worry, figliolo,” says papà, “everything that is mine will be yours. It DOESN’T MATTER if you’re stupid. I’m stupid too, it’s nothing to be ashamed of. Be proud of how infuriatingly boneheaded you are. There are lots like us, we are not alone.” “But, papà, I’ve heard strange talk of meritocracy - what is it?” “Cazzo ne so, my child but it’s a foreign disease that the Germans and the English have. It brings you out in a rash. It won’t reach the bel paese, tranquillo.” And so it goes on. The boy is reassured and the lobby of the stupid perpetuates through time. Most people are stupid after all and if you think about it (not too hard mind, you’ll get a headache but then again that may be the dampness in the air), it’s actually rather refreshingly democratic to fill parliament, the senate, the council, the region, the post office, the railways and the Ministries with folk who’ve never been the brightest sparks in the toolbox. So is Italy ready to embrace meritocracy (and all the rest) for the benefit of poor old Mr Nobody that no-one seems to care about? Those bright, dynamic men and women in the minority that desperately want a job? Macché, sei scemo????!!!!